ULTIMATE PIZZA PARTY! (with organic, free-range, ethically harvested local bitching)

If you're thinkin' about learning to bake bread, and do sweet awesome things with dough, pizza is a good place to start.. You can make pizza dough in about an hour, and pizza parties kick ass.

I'm gunna share two crust recipes, one for those of us who enjoy puffy nipples crust, and one for crispy thin crust fans. The puffy crust recipe is what we've been using for years... It's basically a focaccia recipe (top with caramelized onion, rosemary + olive oil and/ or tomato slices + parmesan... you get the idea, i hope), but you can use it as a frybread recipe, or fill it with saucy meat nuggets or fruit and THEN fry it, or bake it. For a really good time, put chunks of pineapple in the dough, deep fry em, and sprinkle with sugar. They sort of partially open up and look like vagina, and they taste almost as good. I call them "pineapple 'giners" or "vaginas de pina" on tamale night.  [I'm sorry this post is so porno.]

The puffy recipe will make two pies, and the crispy will make one, but both recipes work well as singles or doubles and  thanks to the magic of MATH, you can change the recipes to suit your needs

All purpose flour works fine for both of these recipes, so does king arthur's white whole wheat (yea i'm advertising, their flour is always way fresher and rises better than the hippier ass brands), and so does regular bread flour. If you're wanting to use regular ol' whole wheat, you need to know that whole wheat dough can turn out denser and tougher, and it's a good idea to substitute 1/3 or half of the flour with whole wheat.... Also, add the optional honey or sugar, it helps get the yeast goin, or even add a pinch more yeast.

It's important to know that warmer temperature will make your dough finish faster.  The dough is finished rising when you poke a finger in it and the hole stays poked and doesn't fill back in.... Pay attention, because if the dough goes past this point, it will 'overproof' and the gluten strands will break, making the dough all tough and dense- true for any bread you're makin. You know you pulled a boner if the dough is all superpoof and stringy/holey looking...  Hardly ever happens when you're just making pizza (only if it's super effing hot in the kitch),  and also, doesnt really matter that much if pizza dough isn't perfect, but i thought i'd mention it anyway.

Oh, and you also have the option  to do a cold rise- put the dough in the fridge overnight to rise, instead of in a warm spot for an hour.  It'll take the yeasters longer to do their thing in the cold, and the dough gets a slight fermenty taste that is delish. We have a theory that this makes the dough crispier too, anyone care to test the theory?

ANNND gluten free peoples, let us know if you have a good pizza crust recipe that doesn't taste all assy like garbanzos. I imagine that plain ol' polenta would probably make the best GF crust, but i haven't experimented much with wheat freeness, so tell me whatchu know!

Pizzas are like honeybadger, they don't care, they dont give a fuck.... They're good even if they're bad, and you can bake them on a round pan, a square pan, a pizza stone, in a cast iron pan over a fire!! (my good pal Abe says they call this 'spiritual pizza' on Kalalau), on a grill, and you can put anything at all on them! Plus, everyone but Maniac Magee likes pizza, and he'd probably like it too if he wasn't allergic.


PUFFY CRUST:
*1 yeast pack (2 1/4 tsp, for those of you who buy bulk yeast and somehow don't already have that memorized)
*1 1/4 cup hot water
*1 tsp honey or sugar [optional]
*1 tsp salt
*3 cups flour



CRISPY CRUSTERTON:
* 1 yeast pack (quite a bit, eh?)
* 3/4 cup hot water
* 2 tbs olive oil
* 1 tsp salt
*1 3/4 cups flour




 Here's how to do it:
*Dissolve the yeasties in the hot water, and the sugar or honey if you're goin there.

*Add all the other shit, and mix until you get a doughball.

*Knead for ten minutes, or until dough is all smooth and wonderful.... You can use water, oil, or flour to keep it from sticking to your hands.  The crispy dough is super sticky; Kerrin recommends using flour for that one. I usually use water or oil for the thick mickey, because it's got enough damn flour in it. 

*Coat the dough in oil or flour (again, either for the thick one, probably flour for the crisper),  cover with plastic wrap or a dampish clean cloth, and let rise in a warmish place until it's done. Should take 45 min to 1 hr. It'll double in size, so make sure you put it in a big enough bowl, genius.  




NOW:
*Preheat your oven to 450- 475 ish, (with the pizza stone in there, if that's what you're using)

*Put together a team of professional weirdos to cut up and prepare toppings while the dough is rising....


ASSEMBLING YOUR PIZZA BOT:

i need a pizza to sample and hold.

*Ok, so... Get your pan, or your peel, if you're fancy and have a pizza stone heatin up in the oven, and flour it or dust it with cornmeal. Punch down the dough and if you have a double recipe, divide it without handling it too much, and let it sit for ten minutes while you drink a soda, or make out or something, but don't smoke a cigarette. (ARRGGGG I want one SO BAD right now)

*Time to stretch out the doughblob! Be gentle about it. the dough might not have rested long enough and need to hang out on the pan for a bit before it stops shrinking up and refusing to be stretched.

*You could put a little bit of oil on the dough if you're worried about sogginess fucking up your day, you could roll fancy shit up in the crust, you could pray over the pizza at this time. Whatever makes you happy.

*It's easy to get carried away with toppings, keep it to like five things so you can slide it off the peel (if that's how you roll), and then later, get your mouth open wide enough to fit it in.


Here is some shit we love to put on our pizzas:

 *basil (under stuff so it doesn't get too crispy) *fennel chunks *toasty fennel seeds *toasty quinoa seeds *red onions *caramelized sweet onions *roasted garlic *raw garlic *black olives *shit, any kind of olives *bacon *peas *broccoli *broccoli raab *tomato slices *PINE NUTS!! *chiles *your mom *prosciutto *feta *farmer cheeese! *Green peppers *sausage *shroomies *pineapple *spinach *sauce! *pesto *fried breaded eggplant or zucchini *ricotta cheeseee! *arugula *sundried tomaters *fried green tomaters *red peppers *roasted peppers!!!

Dude, you can put ANYTHING on a pizza. You can make any kinda cheese work, any kind of leftover meat chunks, any kind of veggies, tempeh, even tofu, if you like that shit. (It gives me the farts, but suit yourself) Any kind of fresh herbs would probably work... Have fun. Make a pizza.


Bake that shit:

Until it's done. Doesn't take very long.


Also:

No bitching at other people on the pizza crew. ESPECIALLY no fucking bitching about whether or not you should crisp any meat products before they go on the pie. and no bitching about other people's peel-to-pizza stone technique. we're just gunna scarf the entire pizza in ten minutes and shit it out the next day, so no whining.

<3 <3 <3