EAT MY FUCKIN PIE, ASSHOLE!!!! part I: CRUST

 A special  post by Kerrin and Wendy at the same time!

Pie. It's amazing. I don't know what else to say about it.

Well...there are two parts to making an awesome fucking pie. The crust and the filling.

But let's be real here....it is all about the crust. Flaky, buttery, golden, crust. That's what you want. That's what everybody wants.  

Oh yea baby, lets start with the crust. Pie crust is really easy, so don't bitch out and buy one of those nasty ones from the shop n bag. Seriously, you don't have to knead, you actually don't even have to roll it out, so don't be a wuss. Do it yourself.

All you have to do is mix solid fat into flour without melting it, and then add a teensy bit of water to it so that it forms a dough lump. Alright, I sort of lied about the solid fat thing, you actually can use a liquid fat, but if you want your shit to be extra awesome, you'll  use solid fat, because the little chunks of fat are what make your crust flake up and fly right. You'll want to keep your cute little fat chunks from melting into liquid, so chill your fats and your water before you start.

Let's be real: Butter is the shit in pie crust. The only thing that makes a better pie crust than butter is bear fat, and you probably don't have any. Coconut oil, lard, and vegetable shortening will all do the trick. If you're a cool guy that saves his bacon grease, you can even use that, and let me tell you: it rules at crust for an apple pie.  Usually we use a combination of fats, depending on what's hangin' out in the kitchen when the pie lust falls upon us.

Here's a basic crust recipe to get ya started:

This is for one crust. You can double this (for a two crust pie, or two bottom only crusts) or if you make pie crust like me and wendy we just eye it out and go by feel.  Making pie crusts is like making sweet love: you get better at it with practice. Don't worry about it, even the shittiest homemade crust is better than anything you can buy premade.

• 1 1/4 cups all-purpose flour
• 1/4 teaspoon salt
• 1/2 cup butter, chilled and diced
• 1/4 cup ice water

Directions

1. In a large bowl, combine flour and salt. [If you want your crust to be sweet, you can add a few tablespoons of sugar. You could also add cinnamon at this point, but our favorite secret ingredient is a grating of fresh nutmeg.]
2. Cut in butter with one of these here thingamabobs [or not, but read the article] until mixture resembles coarse crumbs.  
3. Stir in water, a tablespoon at a time, until mixture forms a ball. Don't knead it. 
4. Cover and set aside for at least 15-20 minutes to allow the gluten to relax and make it easier to roll out.  If it's summer and your balls are hangin low instead of freezing off,  you'll want to put the dough in the fridge during this time. You can also make it ahead and let it hang in the fridge overnight.

They see me rollin, they hatin:
 
Is your oven preheated to 350 degrees? I thought so.

Lightly flour your rolling implement and work surface before you start.  You might have a sick marble rolling pin, you might have a Yuengling bottle, but for reals, it doesn't matter. Roll from the center outward, move the dough around and flip it over to keep it mostly unstuck and roundish. Is it sticky? You put too much water in. Use more flour on the work surface. Is it too springy? Let it rest a little longer.


If you're making the kind of pie that has a bottom crust only, it will probably need to be baked before it's filled. So, transfer the crust to the pie pan, fit it in all perty, and stab it all over with a fork.  Alternately, you can just pat the crust in with your hands and not mess with the Yuengling bottle at all. It's a good idea to keep an eye on these crusts while they're baking (ten minutes) because they can sometimes slide down the sides of the pan. You can minimize the chance of this horrible thing happening to you by using the kind of pie pan with a lip, and listening to THIS AWESOME SONG!!


If you're making the kind of pie with a top and bottom crust, roll out both crusts before you put the filling in the bottom crust. Otherwise, your bottom will get all soggified and might possibly stick to the pan as well.  This sort of goes for the bottomcrustonly kind of pies as well; you usually don't want to leave the unbaked pie sitting out of the oven with it's filling already in. Sticky soggybottoms, not pretty. 

Lattice top? Sure. After you have your dough rolled out, cut it into strips. If you're not too picky, you can then just lay the strips across the pie, and then put another layer of strips going the other way, and tuck in the ends. If you want that shit to be actually woven together, then work on a flat cookie sheet, and assemble it using water to glue it together. Then, chill it in the fridge and  transfer the whole thing to the top of the pie.

 Tuck your ends under and crimp all around, and you're ready to bake it. For a super pretty golden brown top crust, brush the pie with a beaten egg, or better yet, cream or milk before you pop it in the oven. A sprinkle of granulated sugar on top is a nice touch!

*fyi: most pies jizz all over the place when you bake them, so put them on a cookie sheet, or rig up a cool piece of tinfoil to catch the jizz, or it will stick to the bottom of your oven, burn and turn into a rocklike substance, and probably set off your smoke detector. You have been warned.





STAY TUNED, part II will feature our favorite kinds of pie filling!! Get ready bitches, we're about to lay some radical pie recipes on you! Ever heard of GRAPE PIE? Yea, we're gonna blow your MINDS!